Rock Paper Suburbs

If you know me, you probably know that I’m an adoptive mom because I talk openly about it.  I know I’m biased, but like all mothers, I really believe my son is the most perfect baby in the whole world.  With his sweet smile and sparkly eyes and laid-back personality, “Hendrix” is truly a rock star to our family.  While it’s going to be many years before he reaches adulthood, we know that adoption is central to his story and that we will have to do the hard work to support him as he grows up.  If there’s one thing our family has learned so far in this beautiful and bittersweet world, it’s that adoption is as complex as life itself. 

As I open up on a high level about what our domestic adoption journey looked like, I’ll try to demystify some of the common misconceptions about adoption and share a few of the ways in which the role of adoptive parent can be both an immense blessing and an immense responsibility.  Because I am not an adoption professional, becoming an adoptive mom has been an ongoing learning experience for me and has, in some ways, felt like becoming a new parent all over again.  From Hendrix’s placement with us to his finalization and every day thereafter, every step in becoming his family has been an eye opener.  My hope is that our story will shed light on some of the unique joys and challenges that come with the lifelong commitment of adoption.  Above all, I hope that sharing our experiences here will help hearts to grow with love and empathy for adoptees and their birth families.

So what are some of the primary ways adoption may surprise you?

1. Adoptive Families are Formed in Many Different Ways

I’ll start from the beginning because one of the first questions I am usually asked is how I decided to adopt.  I wouldn’t say it’s something I chose, really.  It’s more like life chose me.  I had it in my heart to be an adoptive mom ever since childhood.  Whenever an adoptee or an adoptive parent would tell their story, I always felt I was supposed to listen very carefully because I knew I might need to draw from those stories one day.  Coming from a background with parents of different races, I was accustomed to the idea that family members may not look like each other.  When my husband and I married, the idea of adoption wasn’t a debate we needed to have, and it wasn’t a backup plan to biological children.  It was just always present in our marriage.  As we became more educated about the considerations we would have to make if we were to become an adoptive family, we learned more specifically about the unique joys and challenges that come with adoption.

When we first entered the adoption process, we didn’t make any big announcements on social media.  This meant we told people we were adopting through word of mouth, and while reactions were largely encouraging, we also got a few puzzled looks.  Didn’t we have children already? people would wonder.  Now granted, we do have kids, but we can still fit into our minivan.  As much as we may look like a clown car when we pile out of those sliding doors, we have not reached the point where we need to drive a Bible bus!

The truth is that people come to adoption from all different walks of life, and entering the adoption space often moves their hearts in incredible ways.  Despite the myth that adoptive families are hoping for “healthy” babies, we have personally witnessed families adopt older children, children with special needs, and children exposed to substances in utero.  Everyone’s story is different.  Whether through private adoption or kinship adoption or foster care, international or domestic adoption, families come together in a myriad of ways.  When we came to the adoption space, I remember my husband asking if we should “buckle up for the ride” because we had kids already.  I’ll be very straight with you that we did present our profile many times before we “matched” (more on that below), but in those cases where we weren’t chosen, it wasn’t because there was something wrong with us.  It’s because it wasn’t time yet.

You may be surprised that hopeful adoptive families have to wait a long time to match, but it is the reality in domestic infant adoption that the number of hopeful adoptive families exceeds the number of babies being placed for adoption.  During what many call “The Wait,” it’s common for hopeful adoptive parents to begin to doubt themselves and fear that they will never get chosen.  “I don’t have the right job.”  “I don’t have the right hair.”  “My house is too small.”  “My dogs are too big.”  This might sound like an exaggeration, but believe me, I have heard ALL these doubts vocalized.  When you get an email saying you weren’t selected, it can be very tempting to begin analyzing every detail of your life!

My recollection is that during the wait, seeing other families go active and introduce themselves on social media would go something like this:  A hip-looking family in flannel shirts would post an outdoorsy picture of their smiling faces with the caption “Hey y’all!  We’re the Thompsons, and we’re homesteaders from Wisconsin!”  At which point I would think, “Of course they’re going to get picked before us!  They’re cool farmers!” 

The truth is that every adoptive family is going to be different, the same way every biological family is different.  If you’re considering adoption but are held back by the fear that you are somehow less than the “ideal” adoptive parent, I’d like to give you some encouragement.  I have seen a lot of people bring home their baby, and I have yet to see a perfect person bring home their baby!  Let me assure you, perfection is not a criterion in the home study.  There may be some valid concerns you have about your ability to adopt, such as health, and those concerns will be addressed in the required home study process, but it’s true, my friends, the adoption world is full of regular people!  

There is no formula predicting how long a family will wait or why they will be chosen, which brings me to my next point.

2. The Expectant Mom Chooses the Adoptive Family

Before I say anything, I’m going to guess you have an image in your head of what infant adoption looks like.  It probably resembles a scene from a movie or a book because a lot of preconceived ideas about adoption come from…well…movies and books.  In this imagined scenario, a young, pretty girl gives birth and the baby is mercilessly whisked away.  I’m not saying it’s never happened this way, but in the modern day, this is not what adoption looks like.

It’s common in most private infant adoptions for the expectant mom to choose the adoptive family for her baby.  When faced with the weight of making an adoption plan, it is very important for ethical adoption to give the expectant mom a voice.  That is one of the reasons it’s important to do your research and to look for an agency that is ethical and supportive of their moms.  There is a common misconception that an expectant mom making an adoption plan is almost always in her teens, but in all likelihood, she is a grown woman with life experience.  Not only should we trust her to choose the adoptive family, but she has the right to decide if adoption itself is what she believes is best for her baby.  Until after the baby is born, and until consents are signed, she legally has the right to ultimately choose whether to place her child for adoption or whether she is going to parent.  Each state has different adoption laws, but they all require a minimum amount of time after the birth before a mom may sign any consents.  This is why, before placement happens, she is not called a birth mom.  She is an expectant mom, and she is not “giving up” her child.  She is placing her baby for adoption, a decision that is conscious and deliberate, one that takes deep thought and tremendous sacrifice.  An expectant mom is not contemplating an adoption plan for lack of love, but because of love. 

In this most difficult decision, an expectant mom can ask for the degree of openness that she desires in the adoption, meaning she can request a certain frequency of contact and updates on her baby.  For example, she may ask for a semi-open adoption, such as email and photo updates, or a completely open adoption that could include in-person visits.  She will learn about prospective families by reading your profile book, which is exactly what it sounds like – a photo book with descriptions of who you are and what a child’s life would look like with your family.  In my experience, creating a profile book can feel incredibly shallow and weird compared to the enormity of the decision the expectant mother is making, but that’s how it’s done.  If an expectant mom doesn’t see a family that speaks to her, or if she wants more information, she can ask to interview the hopeful adoptive families or she may ask to see more families’ profiles.  

The thing that always struck me was how much these expectant moms chose a family for who they were, not what they owned.  I never heard someone say a family was selected because they had the most money or the nicest house.  The reasons were so much deeper than that.  They were chosen because they seemed real, because they enjoyed the same activities or because they seemed like someone the mom would want to be friends with.  Sometimes a mom had a gut feeling and she just knew which family she was meant to choose.  There are stories that are moving and stories that seem near miraculous.  

I can tell you firsthand that presenting our profile to each expectant mother was one of the most humbling experiences we’ve ever had.  We were honored to pray for her, while also feeling nervous and uncertain.  When we learned that she’d chosen another family who wasn’t us, we were disappointed for ourselves but happy for the family who did get chosen.  You see, a piece of your heart goes with each mom whether she chooses you or not.  I often think of moms and babies whose cases we saw, I remember their names, and I wonder how they’re doing and say a prayer for them.  Waiting for an expectant mom to choose you is one of the first steps in the long journey of the painful but loving commitment that adoption and parenting require. 

3. Adoption is a Lifelong Experience that Comes with Both Joy and Pain

Any family waiting for placement can tell you the heartache of longing to hold a child in their arms.  More often than not, you’ve probably presented your profile to lots of expectant moms and haven’t been chosen yet.  Maybe you’ve had failed adoptions that left you feeling utterly broken.

Then, it happens.  A child is placed in your arms and life is never, ever the same again.  And your heart will ache.  It will ache with love.  It will ache with pain for your little one knowing this precious angel is with you and not with biological family.  And further, your heart will ache for the birth mom.  For the birth family.  For anyone involved in making an adoption plan for a child they loved.  You are forever humbled that anyone could possibly have chosen your family for their child.  You will feel all your shortcomings and flaws rise to the surface at the thought that someone who isn’t blood could call you “Mom” or “Dad.” 

Sometimes people ask me how I feel about our birth mom. 

Let me tell you how I feel. 

The love you feel for a birth mom is the closest you will ever get to loving someone like Jesus does.

You don’t judge what is in her past.  You just love her.  When you look at your child, she is looking back at you.  The same features.  The same eyes. 

Your heart will ache for this woman.  It will ache knowing she was likely in a difficult situation.  It will ache that she felt she had to make such a difficult decision for her child’s future.  It will ache knowing she had to recover from childbirth without her baby there.  It will ache because she made a sacrifice and a choice you would never want any mother to have to make. 

One day, your child’s heart will probably ache too.  Maybe she will feel different from other kids or maybe her heart will hurt over being separated from biological family.  Maybe she will like her childhood but still long to know more about her birth family.  Maybe seemingly innocuous occasions, like birthdays and family tree assignments at school, will be upsetting or confusing for your child.

As more adult adoptees have shared their stories over time, there has increasingly been a recognition that adoptees have a unique set of needs and experiences and that we need to allow them to be honest about how they feel about adoption.  In the past, people would tell these children they were “lucky” and that they were getting a “better” life.  The truth is that adoptees can feel sadness about being adopted, and it’s important to validate their feelings. 

In the adoption triad of birth mother, adoptee, and adoptive parent, I can’t presume to speak on behalf of birth parents or adoptees, so instead of speaking for them, I highly encourage you to go online and watch an amazingly poignant talk given by Sara Jones, an adult adoptee who very eloquently shares her personal journey and the events that shaped her feelings about being adopted.  I promise when you watch this video you will not come away unmoved by her story. 

I know when babies are little, it’s easy to just love them so much that nothing else seems to matter.  However, there is increasingly a recognition that we need to allow adoptees to be honest about their feelings without romanticizing their experience, and there is a particular need for sensitivity when it comes to transracial adoption and adoption across cultures.  In their book Inside Transracial Adoption, Beth Hall and Gail Steinberg explain, “For children adopted across racial lines, race and adoption often become inextricably connected.”[1]  There are entire courses and books written about this topic, so if you’re open to transracial adoption, there is a lot of research you will want to do before deciding to make that commitment.

Remember, children will one day grow up to be adults, and they will have to grapple with matters of identity, belonging, and trauma.  Being an adoptee is its own identity in and of itself, and so if you are considering adoption and want to do your best for your child, it’s important to have a thoughtful and openminded attitude as you consider the potential needs your child will have. 

[1] Inside Transracial Adoption (2^nd edition).  Hall, Beth, and Gail Steinberg. Jessica Kingsley Publishers: London, 2013.

4. You Really Do Love Them All the Same

When Hendrix was first placed with us, he was like an angel with a teeny cry, a cleft in his chin, and hair so soft it didn’t seem real.  As we waited for his birth state and our home state to clear us to travel across state lines in a process called Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children, we tried to keep Hendrix as comfortable as possible in our temporary living situation.  Like many newborns, he liked to fall asleep on my chest, and he didn’t have much use for the portable crib we had transported with us from home.  When Hendrix wanted something in his ongoing cycle of feedings, diapers and sleep, naturally he cried.  And when he cried, my body would ache.  I could feel my body trying to produce milk, and I would move from side to side to try to get the tingling, aching feeling to go away.  Although Hendrix was bottle fed, the body aches continued for two weeks.  This tiny baby, who I did not carry in my womb, had evoked the same hormonal response from my body as the babies I had birthed! 

It’s not an exaggeration that we loved Hendrix the moment we saw him lying swaddled in his hospital bassinet, smiling sweetly in his sleep.  I also recognize that with both adopted and biological children, some parents need a little time before they feel attached to their babies, and that is normal too.

I can tell you this: I have never met an adoptive parent who didn’t ultimately fall completely in love with their child.

Let me assure you: you CAN and you WILL love all your kids the same.  You will love them through sleepless nights, and every day thereafter.  It’s easy to forget which of yours are blood and which are adopted, and since my kids don’t look that much alike, sometimes other people can’t tell either!

When my older children look at their little brother and say, “This is the cutest baby in the whole world,” it’s sweet because they really and truly mean it.  We love him because he’s our family.  We love him, not in spite of our differences, but because of them.  We are amazed by each new discovery we make about him, by everything he learns, and by every milestone he meets.  He fits into our family so well it’s hard to remember what life was like before he was born.

There were a lot of lessons we learned about love during our adoption wait, and when I look back at the times we presented our profile to expectant moms and the times we weren’t chosen, I know that none of that time was wasted.  Seeing a “case” come through from our adoption consultant with the expectant mom’s first name at the top of the email was instant love, and I still think back to many of the cases we saw because you can’t help but be moved by them.  Often the email from a mother’s agency would include a brief writeup of the expectant mom’s story, which was sometimes accompanied by photos and any other relevant information such as the specific medical needs of the baby. 

During the time that we were an active waiting family, my grandfather became very, very sick, and his disease progressed quickly.  When he passed away, we had been a waiting family with our adoption consultant for nine months.  The day after my grandfather left this earth, an email came through to my inbox with the name of an expectant mom in another state.  We had only three hours to get our information to the expectant mom’s agency, at which time the window to present our profile would be closed.

My husband was in meetings all morning, but he saw the email, and we had a brief call that lasted less than a minute.  We agreed instantly: we had to apply.  Sitting next to my grandmother who had become a widow only the night before, I scrambled to find a piece of paper to write on.  I reached for the only writing surface I could find: my four-year-old’s coloring book.  I tore the back page off the coloring book and wrote a personal letter to the expectant mom.  I didn’t have time to weigh every word, so all I could do was write from the heart.

A few days later, we got a call.  She had chosen our family.

Adoption is full of surprises, after all.

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I’d like to give you a special note of thanks for taking the time today to read about our experience with adoption.  Please keep in mind that I am not an adoption expert, and my reflections here are based solely on my personal experience as an adoptive mom through domestic infant adoption.  If you’re considering adoption for your family, please do your research and become thoroughly educated on adoption-related topics because there is not only a long process to navigate, but also a lifetime of considerations you will have to take into account.  When it comes to the legal process of adoption, there are adoption professionals who can walk you through that process much better than I can.  While I cannot go into every detail about our adoption for the sake of privacy, I do hope that I’ve been able to give you some food for thought by elaborating in a particular way on matters of the heart.